When faced with a devastating loss or a heart-wrenching breakup, we often yearn for a solution that can effortlessly alleviate our sorrows and allow us to return to our regular lives. It’s not uncommon for our loved ones to suggest seeking closure as the key to overcoming these hardships. We hold onto the belief that once we attain this elusive closure, our suffering will dissolve and all the painful memories will vanish without a trace.
According to psychologists, they argue that the concept of closure, as commonly portrayed in society, is not a real phenomenon. In reality, they suggest that seeking absolute closure to emotional distress actually prevents us from finding healthier ways to cope with challenging situations. In other words, constantly striving for closure limits our ability to effectively process and overcome difficult experiences.
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In the realm of psychology, the idea of closure stems from Gestalt principles. Originally devised to comprehend the way our minds interpret and handle visual information, Gestalt psychology revealed that our brains naturally crave closure. Fascinatingly, our minds can perceive a circle even if it appears unfinished in an image. It’s as if our brains have a built-in ability to complete missing elements and organize visual inputs into coherent wholes.
As time went on, the concept of closing unresolved matters expanded to encompass how we handle our personal experiences. According to Gestalt, if you have been through a traumatic event that remains unresolved, you won’t be able to move forward completely until the matter is somehow resolved. This idea gave rise to therapeutic methods such as the “empty chair” technique. In this technique, individuals would picture the person or situation that caused their “unfinished business” — be it an abusive parent or a deceased partner — sitting in an empty chair and speaking to them. While this approach often brought temporary emotional relief, it didn’t provide a lasting freedom from the lingering pain.
Although there are doubts surrounding the effectiveness of Gestalt therapy, the idea that finding closure can magically heal emotional distress has firmly taken root in popular American psychology. This concept has become a staple in media coverage, often seen when families of murder victims or individuals impacted by acts of terrorism yearn for a sense of closure. Similarly, it has become a cliché on daytime talk shows, where heartbroken individuals are brought on stage to confront their disappointing ex-partners, with the hope that doing so will provide them with the closure they seek.
According to psychotherapist Ashley Davis Bush, let’s be honest, the idea of finding closure that is often promoted by popular psychology is not something we can truly attain. And in all honesty, maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all.
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According to Davis Bush, the renowned author of “Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss,” it is a common trait among Americans to be fond of happy endings. We live in a society that emphasizes positivity and seeks out tidy and straightforward solutions. Deep down, we desire to believe that there is a definitive resolution to our suffering. However, the truth is that pain does not simply disappear; rather, it undergoes transformation with the passage of time.
When Bush meets with clients who are experiencing the sorrow of losing a spouse or a close family member, she avoids using the term “closure.” In her perspective, closure implies shutting the door on genuine, albeit sometimes distressing, emotions. Rather, she prefers to use words like “healing” and “growth.” Her aim is to guide surviving spouses in discovering ways to embrace the loss and continue living with it in a positive manner, cherishing the cherished memories of their loved ones along the way.
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According to Bush, embracing the concept of “living with the love” means fully embracing the memories of a loved one in order to find strength. It involves understanding that one’s identity is shaped by the love they shared with that person, and that parts of them continue to exist within us. It is about embracing this connection without fear and showing respect to the bond that was formed. Essentially, it is finding solace and empowerment through the love that remained even after their departure.
When it comes to honoring the memory of a deceased spouse, it doesn’t mean that the surviving partner is dwelling in the past or incapable of moving forward in new relationships. Actually, quite the opposite is often true. By allowing themselves to fully experience and process their grief, widows and widowers keep their emotions alive. Bush has witnessed how her clients, after going through a difficult period of mourning, have found love once more and even tied the knot again, all while still holding deep sentiments of loyalty towards their first spouse.
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But what if we talk about divorces and messy breakups? Is it still not advisable to pursue closure when we’re struggling to let go of a painful ending to a relationship that lasted for a significant period of time?
“Well, you know, it’s kind of a whole different ball game,” Bush remarks. “I reckon closure becomes more significant when it comes to the end of a relationship. You see, there’s this notion of closure that really kicks in, like when you finally put your signature on those divorce papers or pack up your bags and leave the apartment you once shared. It’s like a more particular kind of closure that we believe can actually be attained.”
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In life, our past relationships have a big impact on us. They shape who we are and leave a lasting mark on our hearts. Despite this, it’s important that we find a way to honor these relationships and learn from them, even if they didn’t end the way we wanted them to. The real question here is how much emotional baggage we choose to carry with us. Will it be a heavy burden that weighs us down, or can we find a way to let go and carry only the lessons and wisdom gained?
According to studies, writing about a breakup is a helpful method to alleviate emotional burdens. In a particular research, around 100 individuals who had recently encountered a breakup were requested to keep a daily journal for three consecutive days, spending 30 minutes each day on this activity. Some participants were instructed to focus solely on the positive aspects of the breakup and how it contributed to their personal growth. Following the completion of the writing exercise, this group expressed no escalation in negative emotions, but instead experienced a surge of positive outcomes such as feeling more at ease, self-assured, empowered, hopeful, grateful, and insightful.
Frank Ochberg, a renowned psychology professor, has been at the forefront of trauma research for years. Being a true trailblazer, he played a pivotal role in curating the initial texts on how to effectively tackle post-traumatic stress disorder, a condition that affects many individuals. According to Ochberg, the idea of achieving complete closure might be nothing more than a misconception. However, he firmly believes that making progress, no matter how small, is certainly within reach.
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